Standing

By Thomas McClure

Artwork by Will Webb

“I may be broke, with barely a penny to my person, but my heart is of pure pounding gold I assure you that.”

“Are you talking to a vending machine?”

I froze. Oh God. I thought I was alone out here. Everything stopped as my heart tried to escape me. The cold night air seemed to stop blowing and instead arrested me in place. In a moment I went from blissfully unaware to hypersensitive about everything from the icy sweat on my neck to my tight uncomfortable underclothes. My vision grew drunk as all I could focus on was every little jitter my body made; I must have looked ridiculous.

“No…” I stuttered, turning towards them.

“Alright then,” the voice smiled, unconvinced, “well, you can’t just stand here, you need to hide, they’ll be coming soon. Come with me; in here!”

It took a second for the words to register in my head. I was too caught in the context of what was happening. Were they looking for me for something, did I do something wrong? Were they from the party or just a passer-by? Wait, I know them.

This person, Aalin, was from the party but we hadn’t talked. Aalin? I saw it written down, but I never caught anyone saying it aloud. Was that right? Aalin? Do you pronounce the two As ‘a-lin’, ‘ay-lin’, Aalin? ‘ahe-lin’, oh hell. Just don’t say anything.

Aalin strutted forward with purpose and I realised I hadn’t processed what was said, I had heard it but not understood it. Something was happening, what did I do wrong? Hide? Coming? What? Oh. The game. Why we were out here. The game.

“Oh, I’m not.”

It was too late, they had taken my hand and pulled me across the street, rushing me into an old phone booth. It would be rude to push away, to try and slip past them. What if I hurt them? What if I touched them and they didn’t like it? What if I came off as rude and got kicked from the party? What if everyone started talking about me and looking and me and thinking bad things about me? No. I had to give in to what was happening, just for a moment; couldn’t be rude.

I quickly started looking up and around the booth, avoiding Aalin in case they thought I was staring, in case I made them feel self-conscious. It was one of the old red phonebooths but this one was redecorated and repurposed; it was far from traditional. The back wall was lined with shelves of free books as the other three sides had their windows heavily tinted black. At first the frame looked all white but as my eyes acclimated, I realised it was creamy with faint golden outlines. I didn’t get a great look until the burning light from above us started to hurt my eyes, and I didn’t want to look like an overwhelmed puppy. I turned from Aalin who pulled the door shut and I grabbed a book to inspect, almost as If I wanted to seem like I was coming in here anyway, which, as I pretended to read the cover, it dawned on me that that didn’t make any sense at all. Though putting it back would be even more awkward, so I changed the mental subject and started thinking of how to get out of this situation.

“You okay?” Aalin asked.

Okay, pause outlining my plan, I have to respond. I turned back to them, book in hand and eyes transfixed on a pane of glass right over their shoulder. “Yeah, yeah, I just wasn’t…” Oh, what words do I use. I can’t say I wasn’t playing because I came out with everyone to play, can’t say I wasn’t expecting them that could be rude, can’t start the sentence again that’s weird. Say something. Oh, I’m sure I’ll think of something later tonight when I’m in bed, it’ll probably be witty and charismatic as hell, too. I could say ‘thinking’, no that’s too pretentious, ‘expecting’, no, already thought of that, ‘wondering’, oh now it’s just any word coming into my head.

“You weren’t expecting to be dragged in here, were you?”

Yes, “Nah, it’s fun. It’s fine, I mean. Just a little swept off my feet that’s all.”

“Oh really?” Aalin said “Steady on there, we’ve only just met.”

“Oh, oh, no, I, not, I wasn’t thinking, just a thing, not that I wouldn’t, but not that I am, this is, I’ll stop talking.”

Aalin placed a hand on mine and gave me a polite smile, “It’s okay.”

It helped for a second. Their hand was warm, they weren’t holding me aggressively or dismissively, it was gentle and reassuring. Their thumb rubbed at my fingers a little, it was smooth and light. I didn’t hate it, I actually sort of liked it, I actually sort of really liked it, I hadn’t really been spoken to like that in a while, and most of my physical interactions consisted of bumping into people, this was refreshing and warm. My eyes darted away, I reluctantly pulled my hand away before I seemed like I was passive or unresponsive or broken or something. I faced away from them and aimlessly looked down at the book I was holding.

“Sorry,” Aalin said, leaning to the side of the small booth, peering their head around to try and see my face, “I don’t have much of a filter, just kind of say what’s on my mind and push myself into situations because I want to. You were busy doing something and I completely interrupted. Do you want to leave?”

“No,” I chortled lightly, slightly turning to them, so they didn’t have to lean over, so I didn’t seem rude. They were only half in the way of the door, but they had just apologised, and I didn’t want them to feel bad. Plus, I could handle this for a second longer, have a short wee chat and then politely find a reason to leave, “I was going to take a book from here anyway and then find a hiding spot so it’s all good, I can stay.”

“Oh, okay, cool, thanks.” A smile appeared in the corner of my eye as I looked straight into the dark glass pane beside them. Aalin looked at me for a moment until they eventually turned away, their smile fading. I didn’t even know what they really looked like, just their general shape and sound and dresswear, but I wasn’t gonna look, definitely not in the eye. Not that I didn’t want to, of course. From glances and peripheral vision, they looked good, really good, but if I looked at them and made a horrible impression then it would be a face I could never see again, and I don’t want that sort of guilt to get on my conscience.

I just stared ahead. I didn’t want to get into this sort of situation. I leaned against the wall as my vision tried to stabilise, I couldn’t socially afford to fall down or pass out right now. My hand subtly reached to a shelf to help hold me up. My eyes followed the painted golden outlines of the stained-glass windows, keeping my head distracted from the situation I had found myself in. The room was warm, much better than outside, but what if that’s just me, what if I’m super red right now. No. Ignore it. It’s fine. They’re not looking, you’re good, just whatever you do, do not think about how you feel. It’s good, you’re doing great, not feeling anxious at all, not sick in the slightest. Oh god I thought about sick, now I’m thinking about it, do not throw up in here.

“So,” Aalin started, pulling my mind away from my idiocy as they were peering out the crack in the door, “what book did you pick?”

I looked down at the one in my hand, ‘Kama Sutra’, oh god. I clumsily shoved it back into the slot from whence it came, “Oh, thought it was a different book, doesn’t look very interesting, oh well, never mind then.”

“Okie dokie.”

“So, uh,” come on, let’s do our bit and get out, “don’t you think hide and seek for twenty-year olds is a bit weird?” Oh my god, no, abort, abort, what did I just say? Did I just call them childish? I can see the casket already. This is a mess.

Aalin started laughing and I, trying to seem like I’m not an ass, let out a little laugh, or, well, more of a chortle through my nose, a laugh without using my mouth. There must be a word for that? A snort?

“Yeah, it is,” Aalin replied, bringing me back from my thoughts. What were we talking about? Oh, hide and seek. “but it’s still kind of fun, especially when half the players are drunk, that’s pretty funny. I guess it’s like we’re kids again, you know, running around trying to outsmart each other, a bit of active banter.”

I couldn’t really relate. I’ve only played a few games of it in my life and few of them ever went well. Most of the time I’d hide somewhere and wait for up to an hour, then find out no one was looking for me, I was forgotten. Hide and seek isn’t fun if you’re never sought. So, the final few times I pretended I sucked and made where I was obvious, and I was found and got to hang out with them and help them look for others, it’s better to be easily found than easily forgotten. When I was a kid it wasn’t easy to make friends or go out and join in games but when I had the chance, I went all in. Wait, it’s not easy to do that now either. That sort of development can’t be good. I guess the only real change is the anxiety, back then I didn’t expect rejection, didn’t really expect anything, really just a blank slate, just confident enough to be clingy, now I’m neither and barely able to stand when next to someone. I turned my head away from Aalin, “Sorry.”

I felt Aalin turn to me and stand more attentively, “It’s fine, you’re right, it is childish, that’s kind of the point, but also, hey, you’re playing it too, so checkmate, punk-a-zoid.”

Punk-a-zoid? I couldn’t help but chuckle. Who says that? I turned my head a little and retorted “Hey, you’re the one who dragged me in here.”

“Yeah, because you were standing by the vending machine not hiding at all. I swept you off your feet because you needed someone to. Plus, I needed the company, little dude, it sucks hiding without a partner.”

“Little dude?” I said as I faced them, keeping my eyes down to the side and a hand on the shelf to keep my balance. I’m not too bad at this, I don’t think.

“Oh yeah, but a cute little, don’t worry.” Aalin said as they brought as hand up to rub at my head, I swatted it away playfully, or at least not aggressively, could have done it better.

“Careful, turtleneck.” I tried.

“Ooh, dungarees getting feisty.”

“I’ll have you know this is fashionable.”

Aalin laughed “Sure, an extra pocket is really in these days, showing off that you can carry a little bit more money than before, right? The height of luxury.”

“Absolutely,” come on, be suave, you got this, “I can really flaunt my cash about, really comes in handy when I’m trying to get stuff from a vending machine, oh,” I snapped my fingers and smiled, “right, except when I have not a penny to my person, darn it.”

“Oh, yeah, don’t you just hate it when that happens.”

“It’s the worst. I spent all my copious amounts of money on something to carry it all, a classic tragedy.”

“You must be in total agony right now,” Aalin leaned in with a facetious look, “you put the ending of Romeo and Juliet to shame.”

“Shakespeare couldn’t imagine the pain I’m in.”

“Oh, I bet.”

Someone shouted something outside, both of us turned serious as Aalin closed the gap in the door and pulled themselves further into the booth with me. I pulled myself back against the shelves but Aalin came in closer, their eyes transfixed on the heavily tinted windows.

Aalin hushed me as my eyes looked upon their soft but prominent cheekbones. Their eyes squinted as they tried to focus, “Don’t move,” they whispered, “if we stand still against the shelf then we’ll blend in with the books, the windows should obscure us a lot.”

A sweet trace started to swirl off Aalin, a flowery perfume or floral cologne, which made its way around me, encircling me, entrapping me. It was nice, it was intoxicating, and it fitted how Aalin looked so well; crisp yet soft, fresh but warm, entrancing though gentle. My eyes lingered on Aalin’s face as my brain tried to tell me how it looked. How did I look?

The scents twirled deep down into my lungs and heart and sent them into overdrive. It was like my heart was going to leap from my chest. Everything else in the booth had faded from sight as my breathing became erratic and my heart lead an irregular beat. My throat braced as my guts twisted. Both hands clung hard on the wooden shelves behind me. I felt sweat burn down my forehead. Aalin’s head snapped back towards me, realising my state. My legs started to shake as my eyes were locked forward, now looking into their full dulcet lips. My heart grew hard, like it was solidifying and weighing me down from inside. My muscles ached as I felt the ground pulling me down. I felt a shatter within as my heart turned to milk and trickled down my tricky innards. Aalin’s lips moved, curiously then seriously then shocked. I let out a breath and I couldn’t stand.

Aalin grabbed, one arm under mine and up to my neck and the other on my waist, their legs pushed up on my knees and kept me standing. Their voice slowly started to come back to me; “Hey, hey, hey, come on, talk to me, what’s up, what’s going on?”

I didn’t know how much time had passed, it felt like hours that I could only remember a minute of. As soon as I grew aware again, I pushed myself back up against the shelf to prop myself up. My eyes were wide and lips were trembling. Oh god, I had a panic attack, did anyone see, did I break anything, did I throw up, was it embarrassing?

My eyes readjusted and I saw Aalin still standing in front of me, with one hand on my forehead. “Hey, you with us? You’re really hot, what happened?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, hey, you have nothing to be sorry for. Are you okay?”

My breathing grew heavy, I felt like crying. I’m making them uncomfortable, I just know it, oh, I shouldn’t have come. I knew something like this would happen. I shouldn’t have come at all. They probably find me weird; they hate me.

“Was that an anxiety attack?”

“Yeah…”

Aalin took a light step backwards, “Am I making you uncomfortable? Was this me?”

“No,” I started, my heart skipped a beat again and a chill ran down by spine, it was suddenly very cold in the small booth, “it wasn’t you, not really. I was making me uncomfortable, it’s a me problem, not you, you’re great, you really are, I just have real trouble handling this stuff, it’s hard for my body to stand any of it, oh, I don’t know how to say it right”

“You don’t have to say it right,” Aalin reassured me, “you’re not perfect, I’m not perfect, we don’t have to be perfect. If you mess up a few words then that’s okay, you can just try again, it costs nothing to start a sentence again, I assure you that. Just speak freely. How do you feel?”

I swallowed, the shelves my fingers rested on grew cold so I closed my hands into fists, ignoring them, ignoring all extremities, trying to forget my body altogether, but my heart saw them standing in front of me, and it hated it, it beat faster trying to break free and run away. Aalin is great, why can’t my damn organs see that. They’ve done nothing wrong and yet my innards are still trying to stop all functions and kill me as if Aalin was a disease that my body was trying to flush out through a fever. I guess that makes sense to my body, I can’t feel awkward if I’m bloody dead. A shiver shot through my body, “I can’t”, I told them, “it’s anxiety and talking to you, I don’t know, it’s like, thinking about where I am and what I’m doing here, this social situation, it’s too much.”

“Okay,” Aalin said, “I understand.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I used to have anxiety. Extreme anxiety. Couldn’t even look my own parents in the eye without having a panic attack. I used to go weak at the knees around someone I had a crush on, could barely stand let alone talk to them, and look at me now, I’m standing alright, I guess. I got better, but I was trapped with it for so long because I was frightened to do anything to get rid of it. It’s like it tries to eat itself which also keeps it alive but also hurts it. Like an ouroboros of your own creation, but it’s not. It’s like a disease, and it’s not your fault. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and being scared of it only makes it stronger.”

“How did you get rid of it?”

Aalin snorted lightly, “No, I never got rid of it. I got around it. I’m still trying to get rid of it, cognitive behavioural therapy and all, but I still always have the fears whispering in my ear, pretending that it’s my own voice, convincing me it’s my own thoughts when it’s just germs that sound like my voice. You know, the earliest days are the worst, but you have to just push through some of your anxieties to get what you need.”

“How did you get around it, then?”

“Well, for me, I’ve just always imagined I’m somewhere safe. For me I feel safe in my living room, alone, with the television on. So, when I’m out and with people, like here with you, most of the time I’m just picturing myself standing in my living room, and you’re just on the tv and when you say something I have to reply to I feel like there’s a certain disconnect, that if I say something wrong then it’s no bother because you’re just on tv and I can try again, it helps a little. It’s not the best and it’s only a temporary thing, hopefully, but it kind of helps when talking to people. It’s like lying in bed thinking about conversations from years ago, what was said, what you should have said and done but didn’t, and because you’re alone with no pressure, you can come up with much better responses, and because I’m picturing this future reminiscence while actually in the moment, I’m therefore able to come up with the responses in the actual moment. Boom, time travel, baby. It keeps you in your comfort zone while getting you used to being out of it, it’s an interpersonal challenge. Would you like to try it out?”

“Interpersonal?”

“About relationships between people.”

“Oh, okay. Yeah, I think, worth a shot.”

“Let’s try it.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, where do you feel safe; in bed?”

“In the shower.”

“In the shower,” Aalin smiled, “okay, we can work with that. Okay, and what do you do in the shower, where does your mind go? Keep it PG, or don’t, I don’t judge.”

I snorted a little, leaving a smile, “I, uh, think about memories and stuff, maybe having internal conversations about how things went. I’m actually very well spoken in my mind, believe it or not.”

“Aren’t we all? Okay, great. Picture yourself standing in the shower, to help you feel like you’re really there imagine you’re just standing away from the water for a minute because it’s too hot and also you’re wearing your dungarees in there because they’re very undoubtably fashionable and should be worn everywhere.”

“Yeah, they are, they really are.”

“Good, okay. You there?”

My eyes were closed. The feeling of the shelves holding me up translated over to the shelves at the back of the shower and Aalin turned into the blank wall ahead. It was easy to talk to because it was nothing, like that place your mind goes to when you’re thinking of things that aren’t really visual, just a peripheral void. “I’m there.”

“Great, now, what happened the other night, how did you feel about it.”

It was almost like Aalin had become my own soundless inner voice, asking a question I ask myself all the time. For that moment it was like I was alone, I did only have myself to talk to and nothing was weighing on me to get everything right. A cold breeze did try to remind me where I was, like a whisper that I am absolutely not alone and not safe and I was being watched, warning me that if I made an awkward face or mispronounced something or passed gas then it would all be over. But I pushed on.

“Well,” I started, “at first I was terrified, I had no idea what to do and they grabbed me and pulled me into a booth. In the moment I didn’t have any agency, I honestly just wanted out the situation but didn’t want to be rude, but as we talked, I started to like them, my body didn’t though, obviously.”

“Elaborate?” Aalin asked quietly, I think they were trying to get me to go deeper without sounding like there was someone else there, like I’m just expanding on it naturally, not through any external input.

“Okay, well. I have anxiety. That’s a thing. It’s not a stress thing or work thing or performance thing, it’s all interpersonal.”

“Nice word.”

“Thanks, found it myself.”

“Yeah, okay, sure.”

I smiled but continued, “I haven’t had a good history making friends, or making any sort of connection. I’ve always just sort of been in the background. I guess, because I haven’t had experience in it, my brain doesn’t like it. It’s too alien for me, too scary. So, developing relationships with anyone frightens me and, regardless of how badly I want it or even if I don’t want one at all, it’s like my brain will do anything to get me out of it. So just eye contact can seem like a minor development of a relationship, even if it’s just passing someone in the street, and that can trigger my brain to try and shut down. It’s like it doesn’t know what to do so it just tries to commit seppuku. It becomes harder to focus, to hear, to see, to breathe, to stand. It’s like the world falls apart around me, the ground turns from a solid to a liquid; like gold to milk. I lose my sense of sight and time and awareness, as all I see is myself. My heart feels like it turns to milk, and my insides knot up like they’ve been touched by Midas. It doesn’t know what’s wrong so it tells me I must be sick, so it tries to make me throw up to get whatever is bothering me out, even talking about it or thinking about it makes me feel a little sick, but thankfully I’m just in a nice and clean place; my shower where all disease-causing bacteria is washed away, right?”

“Yes, says I, totally you’re shower curtain.”

A wide smile crossed my face, “I don’t have a shower curtain.”

“Then I am your soap; hello, I am soap; insert things a soap would say.”

“Ah,” I sighed, “classic soap.”

Aalin started giggling.

“You know, me and no one else, it really sucks how of an ouroboros this thing is.”

“Soap disapproves of this vocabulary appropriation.”

“Soap’s gonna get it in a sec.”

“Ooh, what you gonna do, put me in your dungaree pocket?” I pulled my leg forward, lightly kicking at the tap which laughed and said “Ouch, okay, okay. Go on.”

“I know what an ouroboros is, you know, it’s a snake that eats itself in a circular sort of way. But yeah, anxiety really is like that, soap. You don’t get the right connections or experiences, so you’re not used to them, and you worry, and when the opportunity to get them finally presents itself, you’re so worried that it’ll go wrong, so unfamiliar with how to navigate them, that you reject it, you push yourself away, and so you get more used to not having these experiences and so more worried when they come along, repeating the cycle. It perpetuates itself. The only way to get out of it is to have the experiences but you’re now used to being worried about it and so it’s harder to get them. I’ve been told that to get through them I just have to push, go for it, but if I could do that then there isn’t a problem at all. I wish I could just go for it and get the experience and have that be that, but that’s not how it works. It’s self-perpetuating. And it really sucks when you’re surrounded by people who just don’t understand. They’ve all had the experiences they need, they know what they’re doing, so it’s easy for them. Everyone has bloomed but me. They have shown personalities, colour and confidence. I feel like a child, unable to put things together or grasp certain things, social cues suck. While they tell me never to fall in love because they’ve loved and lost, I’m just there alone and lost, and they hurt over the good times that they’ll never get back, but I look back and just see others having good times. They tell me how great it is to finally sit down, when I’ve barely had a chance to stand. I need them for me to get to their level, but they make it so hard. Hell is other people, but so is heaven.”

“Wow, pretty poetic.”

“Thanks, soap.”

“No problem, weirdly dressed person in a shower talking to soap because talking to people is hard.”

“Well, it’s not hard all the time. Being the first to talk is nearly impossible, I need weird but charming unfiltered people to drag me into conversations. I can respond when people talk to me, if they talk to me, but most of the time my anxieties hold me tight and stop me from responding with anything good, instead just making me say what is needed to say, nothing more. I always come off as passive and blank, like I’m not all in there. I am a person inside, I’m not blank of passive or made of milk, I’m alive and I can be fun and suave and expressive and witty, if only in a mirror.”

“Or to a soap.”

“Yeah, though I’m not fully myself yet. I mean, I’ve had fun with you… soap…. But I still feel like you’ve only skimmed the surface of who I am.”

“That’s normal for first conversations. I mean, I know as much about you as you know about me.”

“I guess. I would like to get to know you better though.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. By the way I’m talking to the real you not the soap.”

“I figured,” Aalin pointed out as I opened my eyes, they were leaning back lightly on the door of the booth, strong enough to open it a little but not enough to make it obvious to anyone outside, as they watched through the crack they made, “I would also love to get to know you better too. To be honest, you’ve done great.”

“I’ve had a panic attack.” I said, crossing my arms.

“I have that effect on people,” Aalin smiled, crossing their arms too, “I walk into a room and they just faint.”

“Okay, sure. I believe you.”

“You should,” Aalin smiled, glancing back at me facetiously, “I am very believable, did you know I convinced someone that I was a soap once?”

“No way.”

“Yes way. You see, they were tripping hard in a weird phone booth and I just started messing with them.”

“Wow, and how did that person react?” I asked, uncrossing my arms and pulling myself from the shelves to stand up straight.

“Took it surprisingly well,” Aalin replied, standing up off the door, mirroring me, “handled it all like a champ. Kicked me a little but it didn’t hurt. They really opened up and kind of explored their anxiety and origins, it got a little deep.”

“Sounds like that guy was really brave.”’

“Oh yeah, didn’t question it for a second, took it in stride,” Aalin pointed at the frame of the booth, “not once did they point out the horrible colouring in this booth.”

“Seriously? I didn’t think it was that bad.”

“Come on, white is such an easy colour to get gross stuff on.”

“I’d say it looks creamy.”

“That makes it worse, reminds me of milk left out too long. The gold just looks pretentious.”

“Well, milk is good for you and gold is valuable. It’s symbolism, big dude.”

“Big dude, that’s adorable.” Aalin said, leaning in and rubbing my head, I rolled my eyes but didn’t fight back. They then took a finger to my chin and lifted it up, so I was facing them, my eyes looked to their forehead, keeping away from the eyes, “Gold has no practical value and milk can go off. Worth is what we make of it. For example, I think this booth is just totally awful, but I’ll have fond memories of it because I met you.”

“I’m not that great.”

“You’re relatable, fashionable, you can be feisty and banterous, we’ve had a shower together, and we both love the Kama Sutra.”

“You saw that?” I turned red.

“Oh yeah, I saw it the second you grabbed it and I was just waiting for you to figure it out.”

“God, that’s so embarrassing.”

“It is, luckily I liked the person who did it, so it came off as cute, also they hella tripping so they did so many more embarrassing things too.”

I laughed, feeling less embarrassed, “Yeah, poor guy. Actually, I don’t get what this inside joke is about or what it means at all.”

“Hey, I came up with the being on a bad trip, you started the bit about referring to yourself in third person.”

“Okay, maybe we’re just awkward.”

“Adorably so.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “Hey, uh, thank you for being so understanding, about everything. And keeping me up when I fell, I really appreciate it. You’ve actually really made this night worth it for me. Also, talking with you has helped me think a lot less and somehow that’s working, so either you’re broken me, or this is how normal people function.”

“Yeah I wouldn’t know, I’m just a soap talking to my television.”

That caught me off guard and I let out a bellow.

“Shh,” Aalin giggled, “you’ll give us away!”

“At this point,” I said quite loudly, “I don’t think the seeker is doing a very good job. Honestly, I think I’ve spoken more to you than anyone else at this party. I mean, all interactions with all of them, combined.”

“Wow, we must really be hitting it off.”

“Or maybe you just kidnapped me and have been standing in the way of the only escape.”

“Well, yes, but I think it’s because we’re hitting it off as well. I mean, I’ve invested a lot of time into this kidnapping I may as well make a good connection here.”

“Yeah, I get that. I’d say we’re hitting it off, but that could just be Stockholm Syndrome.”

“Maybe, but that’s basically what relationships are between extroverts and introverts.”

“Could be,” I nodded, looking down at the ground, “could be.”

I stared down for a time as thoughts started to rush back to me. This was going really well, but where was it going. What was going to happen next? I should be leaving at this point; I have had more than enough social interaction today and if I stay, I might just start getting on their nerves and I don’t want that.

“Stop!” Aalin said, reaching an arm out and resting it on my shoulder.

“What?”

“Say it.”

“Say what?”

“I see you overthinking there, sweetie. Stay in the moment with me and if you have anything to think, say it too, it’s safe here. We’ll figure out the worth of those thoughts.”

“I was just the usual fearing the future of this conversation, that sort of thing.”

“Oh, boy,” Aalin moaned, leaning back, I leaned back too, crossing my arms with a raised brow, “that gets us nowhere. Don’t think about the endgame of a talk unless you have a specific goal, otherwise we’ll bury ourselves deep. We can do better than that.”

“Alright, turtleneck, what should we talk about?”

“Let’s talk about the fact that you haven’t looked at my face one single time this entire therapy session.” Aalin mentioned, crossing their arms and leaning forward.

“Therapy session?”

“I didn’t want to say, ‘this entire time’ because I already used ‘time’ in the sentence and it would sound weird, it was decision on the spot that I stick with.”

I smiled, “Okay.”

“Don’t change the subject, television chick. You don’t want to look into my eyes because your brain will fear a relationship change, right?”

“Yep,” I said quickly, turning red again “as far as I know.”

“Do it.”

“Nope.”

“You are, at this point, probably my best friend. And since you’ve pretty much said that we’ve talked more than you have with anyone else, I’m gonna consider myself your best friend too.”

“You think highly of yourself.” I smiled, leaning forward.

“I mean, we’ve showered together, and we’ve already agreed we want to be closer than that!”

“Oh my god we have.”

“So, I feel like at this point eye contact is a bit overdue. Do it.”

“Okay, Darth Sidious, cool it. It needs to be special.”

“Don’t think about it, don’t mentally describe what my face looks like, don’t spend any time digesting it, just see it and then you can look away. I’ll look up past your shoulder, so you feel more comfortable.”

“Alright, thanks.”

Aalin faced up as I took a deep breath. My eyes started darting around as I brought my head up. The booth had become really hot and it felt like my eyes were going to water up, I couldn’t let that happen, that would be embarrassing. I had to get this over and done with. I looked ahead into their eyes.

They were eyes, alright, good looking ones too, staring over mine. Aalin brought them down, looking into mine. I was engulfed. At first, I wanted to look away, a habit, an instinct, but their eyes were not looking back in disgust, anger, or shock, but instead with glee. They were bright and colourful and warm and oh so potent. I had never felt closer to someone. I had never felt so connected. A thousand things conveyed unsaid as my eyes started to water up. We smiled. My heart turned to milk.

“You have…”

“Yes?” Aalin asked as I wiped at my eyes.

“Eyeliner on. And those little spikes on the side.”

Aalin started to laugh, “Winged eyeliner, yeah, they’ve been like this the whole night.”

“I have not noticed them before.”

“Of course not,” Aalin smiled as I started to look down again, “how do they look?”

“They look really good on you. Really good.” I said, my body starting to shake. Why now? Everything was going so well, I’m having fun, we’re making a connection, this is good for you why must you try and ruin it? I held my breath before it could become unusual.

“Thank you. No one else had mentioned them tonight and I was getting nervous.”

“Yeah, I… I think they’re great.”

“You okay?”

I exhaled and my whole body shivered. My guts started to knot up. My vision started to wobble. It was happening again; I went too far when I should have quit while I was ahead.

“Stay with me, dungarees. Stay in the moment. Whatever happens, happens. Don’t think about the endgame.”

My stomach turned to acid and my heart trickled down like a fuse. My throat braced and my skin turned to rock. This was quicker than it had ever been before, I don’t think I can backtrack on this one. I grabbed the shelves as the ground started to sink around me. I opened my mouth, “I’m sorry, I need air.”

Aalin stepped to the side and opened the door. I pulled myself up, ready to move, but then the blast of cold wind hit me. The same cold wind that swirled around me when I was outside, alone. I didn’t miss it. I had acclimatised to the booth and the warmth I shared with Aalin. It was good in here, and to go out would be like returning to what was. That wasn’t right. I couldn’t go back; I couldn’t backtrack either. That wasn’t healthy. I have to get through this. Go for it. In the moment. Get the experience.

I reached for Aalin’s hand and they reached back. Our fingers entwined as heat rolled over us both and I pulled them close, my mouth reaching up onto theirs. Aalin did not react, did not push away or pull in, instead relaxing down to my level in a calm surrender. My arms wrapped around them and theirs squeezed back at me as their body pressed back against mine. We fell into each other as their lips, like two bright wings, brought me into a fresh timeless Eden. Connection. The eyes were like the opening into our souls, but the mouth was the opening to the heart. Feelings shared, unspoken and felt. We drank each other’s vowels, a discussion without words, just skin against skin, the contact of mouths, minds, and mankind. Their bodies fell away in their rough embrace, their insides and outsides forgotten and replaced with the standing moment of connection. The world washed away as both sets of lips, utterly committed to the moment, shared the supportive bliss between them. The thought of their bodies beyond their touch did linger but did not press, the rotting mind frozen like a flower among fallen snow. Time had faded, the world a void, the cold evaporated, and our selves ignored. It lasted a moment, and forever.

Our shared connection broke apart, but neither of us were broken. The wind rushed through us as our bodies returned; from lips, then eyes, then skin and torsos and clothes. Our hands slunk down to our chests, clasping each other gently. The light of the booth faded back in, the setting around us returned in all it’s valuable visage. My eyes were locked onto theirs. A smile crossed our mouths, as if they were still one.

Aalin pressed their forehead against mine; “Don’t think, just stay with me here. Let me do the socialising.”

Socialising? What’s happened? Another presence was felt, the wind was changed and the temperature uneven. My eyes glanced over their shoulder to see another figure standing in the dark, just beyond the open door. As it came back to me, I recalled something being said a second ago from there, though it didn’t stick to my mind at all, I didn’t think of it. My heart started to pound but Aalin raised a hand to my cheek, dancing over my skin before confidently landing on my shoulder. They half-turned to the other.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

The voice replied with a curious tone. The words were unimportant to me, my eyes were still fixed on Aalin’s own, my mind still on them, and my body didn’t seem to fear the future, instead steady in the moment. The other claimed they had found us, though we did make it obvious with the open door, but they moved closer and asked if we were here the whole time.

I snorted a little, “Sort of.”

Aalin looked back, confused for a moment before catching on; “Yeah, kind of.”

The other told us we couldn’t move after we found a place, then asked where we were.

“The shower.” I told them, still looking at Aalin.

“Yeah,” Aalin added, “and we were with some guy tripping hard, it’s a whole story.”

The other, unbothered by our tall tales, turned and called out that they had found us two, before fading away to find others.

Aalin took my hand; “You ready to move back to the party?”

“Maybe, with you, possibly. If at any point after this kiss I faint…”

“If you faint, I’ll catch you.”

“… would it be a little romantic?”

Aalin started laughing, “Only if I’m there to sweep you off your feet again.”

“I think,” I smiled, “if you’re there, my turtleneck soap, I think you’ll keep me standing.”

The End

By Thomas McClure

Word Count: 6,956