Care to Love

By Thomas McClure

I don’t remember when it started, when it became a part of my life, there was no one defining moment when it revealed itself to me, I just sort of figured it out slowly, there was no epiphany or lightbulb moment, like a co-worker growing into a friend or a mental illness slowly developing, some time ago there was no one, and then some time later there it was. I could hear it slithering around my room, its gloopy tendrils dragging itself upon my walls, and its squelching claws digging into my ceiling. It liked the darkness so we made a decent couple, I had no windows and didn’t need any lights; since I was born I didn’t need any lights, baring only four of the five senses. It sounded gross, it smelled awful, it felt perverse, and I assume it would taste just as bad, but I had never seen it, I bet it looks beautiful.

“I’m a monster” it bemoaned; its deep inhuman throaty voice was always a comfort to me.

“Why would you say such a thing?” I asked, placing one plate on the floor for them.

“You wouldn’t question it if you could see what I looked like, if you knew who I was” it said before I heard it spreading itself over the food, absorbing the nutrients into its shapeless form, the process often sounded like sobbing, either that or it cried when it ate. I was just glad it was eating again.

I know Keimas needs someone, Keimas knows it too, but they could get anyone, my role is replaceable, I can’t offer any more than anyone else. However, I need them much more, not for practical reasons, not for survival or ease of movement, but for touch, the connection, the purpose. My self-care is to care for others. Does that make me selfish for this? I’ve never told them, I don’t know how. I should tell them. I feel like I’m leading them on, pretending to love Keimas when instead I love the idea of Keimas. I can’t tell Keimas, not now at least, it could break them, I couldn’t risk that.

“How was your day, Keimas? Did you get out into the garden at all?” I asked, sitting on the bed eating my own meal.

“It’s too far, I didn’t feel like moving. I’m sorry, I should have moved”

“It’s okay, it’s pretty far. I’ll be here tonight if you’d like to try again?”

“Yeah, I’d like that”

After we ate I took my plate and reached out for Keimas’s plate, it landed in my land, dropped from the ceiling, and I brought them into the kitchen to wash them. Despite not being able to see, I could still feel it watching me from our room.

“Do you want to see if we can make it outside?”

“Uh, no, no I don’t think so. Not today, too tired, too sleepy”

“Keimas,” I said, walking back to our room, “I think we can do it.”

“Why do you say ‘we’ when I’m the failure among us?”

“You’re no such thing. We’re in this together, Keimas.”

“Why do you care for me? You don’t even know me”

I went down onto my knees, bending down to bring my head under the bed, “I know you’re my friend, I know you like my cooking, I know you know all the names of the flowers in the garden, I know that you like to dance to my music, I know that under my bed is where you feel like you can be safe and close to me without bothering me, I know you’re a gentle soul.”

“I don’t deserve this, I’m pathetic, hopeless, and worthless”

“You’re just human, Keimas.”

“You know I’m not”

“When I look at you, I see the exact same thing I see when I see all the other humans.”

“That’s not funny”

“But I know you’re smiling.”

“How do you even know I can smile?”

“To be honest, I could make rocks smile, I’m just that good.”

There was a slight spluttering in front of my face, Keimas replied “I’m sorry, that was gross”

“Don’t be, I like your laugh, it’s nice… Well, I’m going to step outside, would you care to join me? Come on, I’ll hold your hand and we’ll do it together.”

“I don’t have hands”

“Course you don’t,” I smiled, “that’s okay, just hold onto me with anything you can.”

I reached out my hand and something clung onto it, climbing up by arm and around my body. I felt slimy dry skin, it was rubbery and dry, unexplainable and inhuman, but it was warm, and it held on tightly, I liked it when Keimas held on to me.

“I’m sorry for getting so close. I’m sorry for my, uh, as you would call it, skin. I haven’t been looking after myself recently. I’m sorry”

“Don’t be, I don’t mind getting close as long if you don’t mind. Are you ready?”

A blob of mass was lightly pressed against my cheek, it nodded back and forth and so I pulled myself up. It often hurt for them to move great distances, especially beyond their comfort zone, so carrying or supporting them along was necessary for now. The weight shifted as Keimas got more comfortable, their lower half stood beside me and we started to walk together. I could feel their warm breath surround me, we were close, intimate, we were one and I loved it.

I could feel their wing-like appendages holding onto my back, its feelers sticking to my neck, its hair rested gently upon my hair, its assortment of metal-like rings across its body pressing upon my side, its webs awkwardly dancing over my face, its neck found its way within my fingers, its bones hugged my flesh, and its lips cascaded long my spine. I couldn’t help but read it’s skin like braille. It was both twice my size and half my size, cumbersome yet light, grotesque and sweet. I could feel the breathing upon my heart, upon my brain, upon my lips and my ears and my eyes and my fingers. We had never been so close before, as we walked I could hardly tell who was supporting who.

I opened the backdoor, the warm night’s air blew in and caressed us both as it passed. We both sighed, it was a good night. We moved into the garden, I knew my way but I didn’t need to go far before Keimas started to loosen on me, signalling that they were comfortable to get off now.

Keimas softened and sank into liquid sludge, slowly crumbling off of me and onto the cool wet grass where they then I heard it slowly spread out across the ground, moaning in ecstasy.

I don’t deserve Keimas. It’s wrong of me to keep this secret. I can’t keep tricking them, tricking myself, into believing in that my caring for them isn’t selfish. They need to hear the truth, it just has to get out there, lay it all out so there’s no hurt in the future. I didn’t want to lose them, though, I didn’t want to hurt them, I didn’t want to see Keimas in anymore pain, I couldn’t.

“See,” I said, getting onto my knees, “we made it out together, that wasn’t so bad.”

“Hold out your hand” they asked. I did and felt the warm connection, my lifeblood, as their tendrils lingered, melting onto my hand formlessly. I surrendered my hand to their momentary exploration, sating my senses as they sated theirs. Something delicate was placed upon my palm. Keimas brought their body up to mine, their breast against my shoulder as their mouth reached my ear, they whispered “I found this flower, I like it” before they pulled away again.

I felt the plucked flower, it had a strong stem that branched out, it had soft leaves and bushy petals, though they were small they were also many, and it was very aromatic, emitting sweet and spice-like scents. It was a good flower, everything I’d want to be. “What’s it called?”

“Matthiola Incana” they said, now on the other side of the garden, no doubt watering their favourite patch of flowers, the ones that were always there, the ones she utterly adored; the pink asters. Keimas could talk about them for hours, I loved that about them; they was always so passionate and smart. They were too good for me.

I had to tell them, I’m not right for Keimas, there are others who would be better for them, I’m just using them for my own needs, I’m putting myself first and that’s wrong. They’re too good, too delicate, and too sweet and worthy for someone like me. Keimas had to come first. I was going to tell them.

“I might just sleep out here” it said, the rough voice was calmer now, nature often soothed them.

“You know you can’t, you’ll catch a chill.”

“Maybe I want a chill,” it said, the tone held defiance within but was still smooth and blissful, “I don’t mind drowning in the dirt, bury me, calm me, and soothe me. You can end me”

“Don’t talk like that.”

The ground grew solid, I heard the gloop rapidly pull together, the mould mount itself upright, as Keimas sat up and said confidently “Why not? You don’t know me. Why do you do this to me, why help me, you should fear me, run from me, fight me, beat me, abuse me, break me. You shouldn’t care for me”

I knew they were in front of me, I could smell it, I could feel its heat, and I could nearly taste it. “You’re right, I don’t know you, not as well as I should,” I said, I should tell them the truth, but I don’t want to make them think I hate them, “but I know your past wasn’t good for you. You’ve been through a lot, I know that. From what you’ve said, or alluded to, or the ways you’ve acted. I know some things.”

“Some things like the pain, the fear, and the escape. Things like the drugs, the alcohol, and the hatred. Like the lost, the lonely, and this abstract disease. The terrors that plague my body, my mind, my soul. I know you know but you don’t understand”

“You’re right, I don’t understand, and I may never understand. Keimas, I’m here for you, I’m willing to ride it out with you, sit in it with you, stay with you, and never leave you alone with this.”

“But what if you get sick too?”

“Then I will be sick with you, and we’ll do it together. We’ll ride it out, just you and me.” As I spoke I kept thinking that I was leading them on. I’d get sit in the abstract sickness with them in a heartbeat but only out of selfish reasons. I had to say it.

It was silent now, Keimas didn’t know what to say and I didn’t know how to say. I had to do something while I though. I brought my hand forward, pressing into its soft chest, pulling it closer as my other arm wrapped around it. I held it close to me. Part of them was buried into my shoulder, unmoving but ready to cry. The night had become colder, it would be time to go back in. I thought for a moment, then another moment, maybe too many moments, but if I were to speak I’d feel like I wouldn’t have had enough moments.

I thought about what I would say, the speech running its course in my head:

We… I’m broken. Broken in two, and you’re my other half. You’re both part of me and someone else; I need you but I also fear that you and I are too separate. I have to be clear. I can’t lie, not anymore. I care for you, but I don’t think I love you, Keimas. I want you, but only to fill a hole in me. I love the idea of you, I love being here for someone, for someone as good as you. I love you care for you, I love that you give me a purpose in life, something to do, someone to talk to and to listen to and to help me feel like I’m not alone, I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be meaningless. I love to care, and you’re someone that I care about so much, but I need you more than I want you. Does that make me a bad person? I do want you, don’t get me wrong, but… I don’t know, what am I thinking? You are so much greater than I am; you’re talented and smart, you’re kind, you’re stronger than you think, you’re funny and cultured, you’re warm and unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. You’re beautiful, I’ve never met anymore beautiful before. I do want you, but I also so desperately need you, and I don’t want to be selfish. I’ve grown to love being around you so much, I miss you when I’m away. The thought of you pushes me through the day, motivates me and makes me want to be a better person, because of you I am me. When I sense you’re in the same room as me, then that is what makes it truly home. What am I saying? I love to care… love… love… Am I the one with an abstract sickness, making me doubt myself? I think I’m pathetic, unworthy, a monster for not being open about my sickness. I’m wrong. We’re wrong. I started to care, and then I started to love.

I said none of that aloud, we were still in a warm embrace. Keimas held on tightly, not wanting to let go. I didn’t want them to let go either.

“Keimas. I love you with all my being, and I need you more than you think you need me. You will never ever be a burden to me. If you stumble then I will be there to support you, if you’re there to support me. I you’ll have me, I’ll be here for you for as long as I live. I promise that we will get through all this together. I love you, and so I will care for you, because you’re worth it, and I know you don’t like me saying that but it’s true, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Keimas loosened and pulled back a little, I could feel their face in front of mine, our bodies interlocked, our souls came together as we got closer and closer, I don’t remember when it started, but we became whole again.

The End

By Thomas McClure

Word Count: 2,466